“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

It’s important to remember in your conversations the same truth that applies to every other area of your life: It’s not about you.

What do you think will happen if you start every conversation with your agenda, your hurt, your complaint, or your problem? You’re not going to get very far!

Most conversations should start by empathizing with the needs of the other person. What are their hurts? What are their interests? What are their fears? What are their problems?  

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

There are four commands in this verse: Speak only what is helpful, build others up, defer to others’ needs, and benefit others. None of those commands are about you.

You’ll get your turn at some point. You’ll have your chance to share your frustration or fear or need or opinion—but don’t start there.        

Here's how to start: When you sit down to a conversation with someone, encourage them to talk first. Then let them speak without any interruption. Don't ask questions. Don't ask for clarification. Don't challenge. Just let them speak. That shows you're aware. That shows you're paying attention. That shows you care.          

There’s another way to show you care: Summarize what they’ve said. Try saying, “Let me repeat back to you what I think I heard you say.” You paraphrase what you heard them say so they can affirm or correct you and maintain healthy communication. This shows you cared enough to listen and to also make sure they were understood. It’s a powerful way to show love in any relationship.

It’s human nature to want to focus on yourself. But the sign of a master communicator is having enough humility to make the other person the focus of the conversation, helping them feel heard and understood.