“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

Forgiveness is not a term you can casually throw around, making everyone instantly feel better. That’s not real forgiveness.

The Bible says there are four characteristics of real forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is remembering how much you’ve been forgiven. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV). This is the starting point for genuine forgiveness. If you don’t feel forgiven, you probably won’t want to forgive anyone else. If you’re hard on yourself, you’re going to be hard on others. But the more grace you receive from God, the more gracious you’re going to be with others. The more you receive God’s forgiveness, the more forgiving you’ll be toward others.

2. Forgiveness is relinquishing your right to get even. The Bible says in the Living Bible paraphrase, “Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it” (Romans 12:19). Life is not fair, but one day God’s going to settle the score. He’s going to right the wrongs. So who’s better at getting justice—you or God?

3. Forgiveness is responding to evil with good. The Bible says in Luke 6:27-28, “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (NIV). How can you tell when you’ve really forgiven someone? When you can look at that person’s hurt, not just your own, and pray for God to bless them.

You ask, “How could I possibly forgive them? They really hurt me.” Only the love of God can help you do something like that. It’s why you must fill your life with God’s love.

4. Forgiveness is repeating the process as long as necessary. “Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:21-22 NLT). Jewish law said you had to forgive a person three times, so Peter doubled it and threw one in for good measure. But Jesus said to go even further with your forgiveness!

How long do you have to keep forgiving someone? Until the pain stops and the desire to get revenge goes away. In other words, as long as it takes.